ugh...

That is how I feel today.   The range of emotions have been all over the board.

I made it through the school day ok until a parent of one of my former students stopped by with a book for me.  Her tears brought mine to the surface and I knew that there would be no stopping them so I left for home.  Took a nap and felt a bit better.  I know the reason for all these tears is because I am dreading Sunday.  April 3rd should be a happy day... 2 cakes with 13 candles on each... lots of presents... smiles and laughter.  I can hardly type through the tears as I try to imagine how we are suppose to "handle" this day.  Collin is here and we will celebrate his 13 years here with us, but the raw pain of missing Nathan is unbearable at times.   Please continue to hold our family in prayer.

Wednesday Morning Church

Wednesday is chapel day at school.   I had been dreading going because my class sits in front in the same spot we sat for Nathan's funeral.  I just didn't want to feel those feelings again.  (Last weeks snowstorm put this first off a week for me... so thankful.)  Received an encouraging text from a friend on the way to school and decided I could do this.

Made it to church...

Wishing I was at home...

Church bells ring...

Pastor steps up to begin service...

Fire alarm goes off...

Go outside for a breath of fresh air...

Come back in and make it through the service.

Loving God's timing.

(This was not a planned drill.  An alarm in a storage area was going off.)

Deb

Our weekend

We spent the day at the farm on Saturday.  Erich and dad worked out in the shop building a workbench for our garage.  Collin and I watched Little House on the Prairie with mom.  Teardrops on the Prairie according to my friend Jodi:).  We took Collin to the Pet Expo with my sister and her family on Sunday.  He had a great time spinning all the "Wheel of Fortune" wheels.  (A favorite show of the boys.)  We know that we have to keep "busy" because lazy quiet days at home are the hardest.  I find myself often imagining what Nathan would be doing if he was with us...  smiling for sure.  He was always happiest whenever we were out and about.


Deb

Good...

 ...finishing a week of work.

...having supper with my sister and her family.

...getting extra hugs from the kids at school.

...reading texts from friends that care.

...watching Collin "hang out" with his cousins.

...walking this road with an amazing husband.

...knowing that Nathan is home.

...knowing that someday we will be home too.

Deb

Boys

Boys.  That is how I often referred to our children.... The boys this..... The boys that.  Erich and I would sometimes  call out Na-collin or Col-nathan and chuckle at our mistake.  It seems so awkward and hard to just call Collin to supper.  I miss using "boys".  I hate that there is an empty stool at the counter when we eat.  I haven't set the table for a meal yet... not sure I ever will.  Tough day.


Deb


You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.  Psalm 56:8

A Roller Coaster Ride

Being back at work has been a bit of a roller coaster ride.  Moving along... busy with the kids and then they leave for recess or a "special" and boom down to the bottom I go.  The quiet gives me time to think.  The kids have been so sweet... extra hugs are always welcome:)   One little friend asked if I was still sad... "yes" was all I could answer.  I feel as if the answer to that question will always have a "yes".  I am so blessed to work in an environment where we can speak about God and pray together.  In our religion series I am teaching the Easter story... good to remember and see through the "eyes" of the children the complete "awesomeness" of God.


I know that people are wondering how to act or what to say to me.  Please know that you can ask or just give a hug.  

Thankful for:

Your continued prayers.

A family that cares so much.

Friends that email or text just to "check in".

Deb

A Good Day for Collin

We went to church today for the first time since Nathan's funeral.  Hard but good to be there.  I remember so clearly the week before Nathan's passing... he stood next to me singing praise to the Lord.  So sweet.  I miss him terribly.  The tears stream so easily sometimes.


We went to the farm for lunch.  Collin had a lot of fun with his cousins.  It makes this mama's heart happy to see his cousins "love" a little extra on him.


He spent the rest of the afternoon swimming with the Alix family while Erich and I went to school to get me ready for tomorrow.  I plan to go in for a half day Monday and then a full day on Tuesday.  I'm hoping the getting back into a routine will help with healing.  

2 weeks

It was 2 weeks ago yesterday that our world changed forever.  I find myself often trying to picturing Nathan and what he's doing.  If there is any type of farming going on in heaven I know he is there checking it out.  


Collin had a great time with his cousins this afternoon.  Ava was trying all sorts of silly voices and faces in hopes to make him laugh.  It worked.  His laughter brought a smile to my face.  So grateful.

Do-able

Today was do-able.  I spent some time with my sister and then went to pick up Collin for his dentist appointment.  I thought that this would be a "hard" first, but it was definitely "do-able".  God saw me through the visit without a tear.  


Collin had a great day at school as well.  The kids ordered "St. Patrick's Day" food from a restaurant downtown.  Collin loved his ruben and fries.  (minus the kraut)  


Our Bible study tonight was called Guard Your Heart.  It explains that broken hearts are very vulnerable and that they must be guarded.  It can become more soft and pliable to the work of God, or it can become hardened toward God and the things of God.  My prayer is that God takes our broken hearts and makes them soft and sensitive to Him.  This very thing was also on my heart the morning of Nathan's passing.

Shopping

Collin had early dismissal today so I picked him up from school and we drove up to the farm for lunch and to go shopping with grandma.  He was so looking forward to this time with grandma that when I asked if I could go too he said, "No... mom work."  I wasn't about to be ditched, so I sat in the back seat and let him have his drive time to Goodwill with grandma.  We found some books and then grandma spoiled him a bit by buying him 3 dvd's at WalMart.  Made his day.  We came home to watch them and I found myself struggling because I knew how much Nathan would have enjoyed this day too.  I could just envision him sitting on the couch next to his brother and just hanging out... asking me for a popcorn snack. Missing him so much.  Tears are always so close to the surface. 


Jesus give peace beyond your comprehension, and not a temporary peace like the world offers, but permanent, eternal peace.  John 14:27 

Tuesday

Today was a better day.  I spent some time up at mom and dad's and then picked Collin up from school.  He had a better day too... so happy to hear that.


We saw the boys pediatrician.  I am grateful that he is a man of God and appreciate the time he takes with us whenever we are in for a visit.


Erich and I started a Bible study together tonight. It's called, The One Year Book of HOPE by Nancy Guthrie.  I'm blessed to have Erich by my side as we begin this new stretch of our journey.


I weep with grief; encourage me by Your Word.   Ps. 119:28  (this is what I am asking of God for my life)

Time

I am struggling with time.  I find myself wishing away the minutes, hours and days so that I can get as far "away" from that awful day as I can.  Then the next minute I want to turn back time and live the way we used to... with both our dear boys.  This grieving "thing" sucks the breath right from me some moments and then I feel a sense of calm settle over me the next.  I know that God sees every tear I shed and brings me those calm moments.


I went to an unusual fabric store with my "sisters" from the Hintz side.  It was a pole shed packed to the rafters with many beautiful bolts of fabric.  So many that it was difficult to walk the rows.  I enjoyed the distraction for the day.


In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.    Romans 8:26

Hard day for Collin

Collin struggled today.  We took him out to the farm for lunch, but even that did not make him happy.  We decided that his ear must be bothering him and again... he was just so sad.  Took him to the ER and it's not his ear... just unable to voice that he is missing his twin like crazy.  So sad.  Struggled through the afternoon and didn't fall asleep till 9:30.  Our house is filled with hearts that are broken.  Collin's heart has a hole that cannot be filled by anything we can do or give him.  He is trying to understand why he is feeling lost... just cannot express it.  My prayer is that through time he will heal.... he will always have a scar, but I so want him to feel joy again.


A good friend stopped by to check in on us.  Always a welcome distraction.  

Saturday

We felt the need to get out of the house today, so we decided to take Collin shopping in Stevens Point.  We hit up Target and Goodwill in hopes of finding the perfect book, tape and notebook.  I am happy to report that he was able to find all three things!  We stopped at Culver's for a late lunch.... weird to only order for one boy.  Nathan would have loved our outing today.... I keep telling myself that he is totally fine and is not in need of anything this earth has to offer.  It's just me wanting him here with us.  Our family is broken and I weep for days gone by.


I came across this passage on another blog and wanted to remember it:


Today's entry from "Jesus Calling":
"Waiting, trusting, and hoping are intricately connected, like golden strands interwoven to form a strong chain. Trusting is the central strand, because it is the response for My children that I desire most. Waiting and hoping embellish the central strand and strengthen the chain that connects you to Me. Waiting for Me to work, with your eyes on Me, is evidence that you really do trust Me. If you mouth the words "I trust You" while anxiously trying to make things go your way, your words ring hollow. Hoping is future-directed, connecting you to your inheritance in heaven. However, the benefits of hope fall fully on you in the present. Because you are Mine, you don't just pass time in your waiting. You can wait expectantly, in hopeful trust."


I pray that God will help me to trust in His plan.  I will wait with hope in You.

An "empty" day

I feel empty today.  Tired..... just empty.  I still find it totally unbelievable that my sweet Nathan has gone home to be with the Lord a week ago today.  How did I make it through the past seven days?  How will I make it through the next seven?  The only answer I have is, "with Jesus by my side."  He is with us as we travel this sharp twist in the road.  He will see us through.


We went out to the farm today.  Mom made a delicious chicken dinner.  It was food that filled us with nourishment and comfort.  What a blessing to us.  Uncle Wayne and Dave ate with us too.  Dave thought mom should have made pork hocks and cabbage... ahh.... brotherly love;)


We took Collin to Aunt Pam and Uncle John's for supper.  It was a first for us... packing up only one child to leave the house.... driving down the road with only one child behind us in the backseat.... coming home and getting one child ready for bed.   We have always done things in sets of two.  It seemed so unreal.  She made potato pancakes for us.  A favorite Erich remembers from their childhood.  So sweet of them to invite us.


But You, GOD my Lord...deliver me because of the goodness of Your faithful love...my heart is wounded within me.  Psalm 109:21,22

Another Day

Collin had a rough ride to school today.  Cried the entire way.  Breaks my heart.  He misses his brother but is unable to figure out why he is so sad.  His teacher is putting together a bus bag of activities for him and checking into a portable video player.  Hopefully that will help him tomorrow.


The boys have always shared clothes.  We kept everything in Nathan's room.  We decided to move it to the closet in Collin's room and to bring up a dresser for him from the basement.  It will be easier in the morning for us I think.  It is so hard to go into Nathan's room knowing that he will never be in there again.  His tractors are all lined up waiting for him.  I don't have the heart to touch them.


Lisbeth came to eat lunch with us and finish up thank you notes.  So grateful.


Erich has been so supportive.  I know that he is grieving, but he is always by my side when the waves of grief come and pull me down.  I love him so for leading our family through this season of our lives.


Vicki brought the kids over tonight.  She made us stuffed peppers.  I was grateful for the distraction and yummy food.


My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.  Ps 119:28

Hope

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18


This is a verse that I cling to as we begin on this road of mourning.   I miss my son Nathan with all my heart.  I cry out to the Lord...