What if...

I've been reading Joni's book, Heaven... your Real Home and something she wrote has been on my mind... The following is not an exact quote... just my thoughts.

What if this life is just the prologue to your story?  What if Chapter 1, page 1 starts the minute you enter heaven?  What if the real story is yet to come?  This is just the beginning... bigger and better is on the way. Interesting way to think about it.

Easter 2011

Collin had a lot of fun hunting for eggs with Ava and Charlie... and Lizzy.

Ready... Set... Go!!!

 

I found myself thinking about Nathan for most of the day.  In some ways I want to "rush" through all these firsts without Nathan so that they will be over, but I'm not so sure that seconds will be any easier.  Collin and Erich need me to be in the here and now, so that is what I will try to do.

How am I Going to Fix This?

I remember the morning Nathan passed away asking this question.  My sister was helping my get ready to leave for the funeral home when I asked her.  She looked me in the eyes and told me that I wasn't going to "fix" this.


Can I "fix" this by filling buckets with tears?  No.  The tears continue to fall and I don't anticipate them stopping for a while. 


Can I "fix" this by keeping busy?  No.  Keeping busy helps, but it always ends.  It is only a temporary fix.


Can I "fix" this with any thing on this earth?  No.  Things do not fill the hole in my heart. 


Maybe the question should be:
  
Do I have to do anything to "fix" this?  No.   
This problem I have was fixed on the cross when Jesus died for me.  This problem I have was fixed on that first Easter when my Savior rose from the dead.  


Today I am thanking my Jesus for taking care of this "fixing" thing.  I know I can't do it.

Joni Camp

I signed us up for family camp again this year.  Joni and Friends is a Christian organization that provides this ministry for families affected by disability.  We have attended camps in Pennsylvania, Indiana, Minnesota, and Michigan over the past 5 years.  This camp has been a HUGE blessing to our family.

Here is Nathan checking out a firetruck on our first day at camp last year.

Nathan loved his STM (Short Term Missionary).

 On this night there was a petting zoo and a square dance.  Nathan LOVED the dance!

 This little trolley was pulled by a John Deere.  We would ride it down to Lake Michigan not to swim, but just for the fun of the ride.  

 Packed up and ready to drive back to WI.

When Joni learned of our loss she took the time to send a sweet note to us.  She also included the book Heaven... Your Real Home.  I have been reading it and have found it to be very helpful.

I am filled with mixed emotions as I think about our next Joni Camp.  I love the time spent with other families that know where we are coming from.  It is a time of learning and worshipping God and a time of just relaxing.  Knowing we will be going with only one child makes my heart ache.

Snow and Sunshine

Wisconsin weather likes to keep us guessing...  tornadoes last week and a snow storm this.  Yuck to both.  This is the view out our front door.  The only way to make this ok is if there is a snow day tomorrow... hey just a little wishful thinking.

This basket of sunshine arrived in my classroom last week from some sweet person.  Whoever you are.... thank you... it brought a smile to my face and a little hug to my heart.  Notice only 2 packs left.... they were yummy!

Just wanted to share this song with you ... it's beautiful.

Charlie is 5!

We gathered at the farm to celebrate Charlie's 5th birthday.  

Charlie is the child God blessed our family with because he knew we needed to lighten up a bit.  He brings smiles and laughter to all.  He would refer to Nathan as his best friend.  They spent many hours pushing John Deere tractors together.

 Collin packed up our guitars to take along in hopes that his cousins would join his band.  Nathan and Collin loved to play their guitars together. 

Collin had a great day.  It warms my heart to watch his cousins love on him.  They have rallied around him and are carrying him through this time of change in his life.  Much like the people in our lives.  Thank you.  It means so much...I am grateful.

Way to go!!

This weekend has been good.  The time spent with family was exactly what was needed after the past week.  

Another week

For some reason this was a tough week for me.  I forced myself to stay positive and upbeat all day at work and then the tears would start in the evening.  It was like I was trying to plug the holes all day and then by the end of the day the "glue" would no longer hold.  I had no idea that my heart could hurt so deeply.  I had feared it... but the reality of it is indescribable.


Thank you for continuing to remember us in your prayers.

Thankful for...

-a librarian that hugs you when when you finally make the first trip with one son.

-a meal prepared for us by the mom of one of my students.

-a card from someone who has walked this road of grief.

-a hug so sweet from a student that it took my breath away.

...may flunk her so I can keep her around an extra year;)

-a cd of music that speaks to my heart.

-a husband that can make his son this happy.

The Fingerprints of God

A good friend called today.  It was a day that I should have been at work.  Collin wasn't feeling the best yet so I called a substitute and took the day off.  I had been crying before the phone rang and wasn't going to answer the unknown number... but I did.  It was a dear friend calling because God had placed it on her heart... even though I "should have" been at work.  I filled her in on how things were going and what we had been doing.  She comments that she can see the fingerprints of God on the past weeks.  It was just what I needed... a reminder to look back and see... to see His fingerprints on our lives.  The perfect message at the perfect time.  


He hasn't forgotten.  He knows.  He cares.  


Deb

On the mend

Collin seems to on the mend from strep.    Hopefully he will be able to go to school tomorrow.


Life around here this weekend didn't seem to be on the mend though.  If anything, my life felt like the seams were ripping out a bit.  I think a lot of it had to do with being stuck at home and worrying about Collin.  (Collin not being able sleep since Wed. at night didn't help either.)  Thanks to family and friends for checking in on us over the past few days.  It really means so much to know that you care so deeply...that we are not alone as we walk this road.  I really do believe that God has placed so many amazing people in our lives because he knew we would need you.  He knew I would need people that keep asking how I am even after I say I am "fine" or "ok".  He knew I would just want to protect you from the pain we are feeling.  So very grateful for every phone call, text, email, card and visit.... they mean so much.  




Deb

Sick

Collin was home with Erich today fighting a bug.  Fever running about 101-102 tonight.  Please say a prayer for him... and me.  (stressed, overprotective, anxious mom)  I will trust God with my family... I will trust God with my family...  I will trust God with my family... I will trust God with my family.  I will trust God with my family.


 I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!"  My future is in your hands.  Psalm 31:14-15a


Update:  Collin was seizure free last night and he seems to be feeling better today.  His fever seemed to break a bit around 4:00 this morning.  Those fever induced seizures can be tough...  


Update 2:   Collin has strep throat...ugh.

Our Family

Our family photo will never again be complete here on earth.  This is our last one.  Erich set it up... all his idea.  There was a blazing hot fire in the fireplace and I wasn't so sure.  What a blessing... he has a little bit of his dad in him with cameras.  (Grandpa would always be carrying one at family functions.)

I feel as if we are being tossed about in this sea of grief.  We were thrown violently in and now are struggling to keep our heads above the water.  My only comfort is knowing that He will not let us drown.  I will continue to cling to Jesus.

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you.  When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown!  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.    Isaiah 43:2

Tears

I am reading a book by Nancy Guthrie called Holding On To Hope.  (Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,  2002)  The following passage from the book I can relate to and I would like to share it with you.  These are not my words, but they do describe how I'm feeling.


So many people are afraid to bring up my loss.  They don't want to upset me.  But my tears are the only way I have to release the deep sorrow I feel.  I tell people, "Don't worry about crying in front of me, and don't be afraid that you will make me cry!  Your tears tell me you care, and my tears tell you that you've touched me in a place that is meaningful to me - and I will never forget your willingness to share my grief."


In fact, those who shed their tears with me show me we are not alone.  It often feels like we are carrying this enormous load of sorrow, and when others shed their tears with me, it is as if they are taking a bucketful of sadness and carrying it for me.   It is, perhaps, the most meaningful thing anyone can do for me.


Deb

Collin's Birthday Party

Here are a few photos from yesterday.

  Breaks my heart to look at this picture and see only three.  

 Collin loves Sesame Street... always has and always will.  

Collin had a great day with his cousins. 

 Everyone made sure smiles and laughter were abundant.

Thank you for your prayers.

Congrats

I had asked mom earlier in the week to pick up balloons.  She grabbed a pack from Hobby Lobby without realizing they had a message printed on them.  I stopped by the flower shop to pick them up and I was like... no... those can't be mine... but they were.  Congrats did not seem appropriate at first, but maybe it really is the perfect message.

Congratulations Nathan...

...you have won the race.

...you no longer struggle with disability.

...you are walking on streets of gold.

...you are home.

The weather today was cold and rainy with a little thunder and lightening thrown in too.   It was exactly the way I was feeling.  We went to church with my family and then to the farm celebrate Collin's 13th birthday and to congratulate our sweet Nathan.

Deb