Hangin' In There

Not much to say lately.... just seem to be hangin' in there.  Hard to believe it has been 9 months.  Tough days with lots of tears lately.  Not much Christmas decorating around our house yet, but hope to get a tree this week.      

6 months

Today is 6 months.  How that happened I have no idea.  Today was a day filled with missing Nathan. I've never been a number person whether it be math or dates on the calendar.  The calendar thing seems to be changing.  I'm very aware of time.  Time that has passed and the time yet ahead of me.  Wishing I could rewind or fast forward.  I would pick fast forward if I had a choice.

Sometimes Collin will do something exactly like Nathan did... a gesture, a laugh, a head tilt.  When that happens the feelings come rushing in like a tidal wave.  Those moments take my breath away.  At first they brought me comfort, but lately it is a bold reminder of what I don't have.  

Buying new school supplies for just one child was tough.  Who knew that if I put it off to the night before school started the shelves would be picked over?  It was 7:00 Wednesday night before I finally decided avoiding it wasn't going to make it go away. Erich helped out by doing all the paperwork while I was gone.  That was a job I was dreading more than the school shopping.

There are a lot of changes at St. Paul, which is exactly what I needed.  New children to teach, new principal to meet, and new technology to learn. They have kept me very busy.  Looking forward to the new adventure I will go on with this group of kids.  

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28

5 months

 I miss my sweet boy.  

The house has been quiet this summer. 

 No tractors running across the wood floors or blocks being dumped out.  

 I miss my sweet boy.  

Club Car Riding

We had a fun time riding up in the woods with Pa and Grandma one afternoon.

 Here Collin is hanging out waiting for everyone to load up so we can head out.  At this point he is already asking for his new favorite thing... soda! 

 Collin and Grandma.

 Here come Erich and Pa.

Finally.... he gets his soda.

Rough Time

The Fourth of July and week following was tough.  As I look back now I can see that, but when I was in the middle of it it felt like a never ending pit.  A lot of little things rolled together to make one big pile of yuck.  

• The 4th marked Nathan's fourth month in heaven... makes me cry yet today to realize I have been without him for so long.  
• The mail a parent never wants to receive finally came... a child's death certificate. 
• We went to pick out a monument for Nathan.  

That was a lot of yuck over 10 days that made me feel like I just couldn't do this anymore.  I can look back now and see how God was with us, but in the midst of it I sure did struggle.  I could force myself to focus and do the daily things that needed to be done, but the crash always came.  Please continue to hold us in prayer.

Joni Camp 2011

Hanging out together... ready for a week of Joni Camp.  This ministry has meant so much to our family.   

 Collin wasn't too sure about riding this horse at first... it has been a long time since he has been in the saddle:)  He seemed to enjoy it!

 Tubing... we had a blast!

 They had wagon wagon rides for the families one evening.

 Maranatha is on Lake Michigan, but they also have a pool down by the beach for those of use who prefer a bit warmer water:)

Collin showing off his Sesame Street book with Peggy, his STM.  (short term missionary)  She hung out with Collin during the morning programming.  The kids participated in a VBS type program while the parents were at worship and small groups.


Overall it was a great week.  We did miss Nathan and thought of him often.  It was tough to go through this first without him.  It can be so hard to do things, but we want to continue to provide Collin with good experiences despite the intense pain it may cause us.

Joni Camp

This picture is from last year.  I remember how awkward I felt... something was "off".  It was the first time one of the boys was not in a picture.  If both parents were in...both boys were in.  But this time Collin was with his STM and we were with Nathan.  His STM suggested the picture... I remember feeling like I should go get Collin quickly so he could be in it too.

This is our firetruck photo from last week.... it felt "off" too.  

Joni Camp was a real blessing to our family last week.  I will share more photos soon.

Shedd Aquarium

We stopped outside Chicago on our way to Michigan for family camp.  The first night we relaxed at a hotel.  Even did a little swimming.

The next morning we went to the Shedd Aquarium.  It was a little a lot crazy driving in downtown Chicago on a Monday morning.  I sure was glad to be sitting in the passenger seat!  I have a bit of an issue trusting the navigation system... although "she" did an overall terrific job.

Collin was less than thrilled with the experience.... Erich and I enjoyed ourselves.  

Nathan

Missing him more than ever.  His smiling face...the sparkle in his eyes...his voice.  Doing the things we have done in the past as a family of four are so hard to do now as a family of three.  We are a quiet bunch... the three of us.  Nathan was the the talker.  I never realized how quiet Collin really is.

Through the tears I continue to cling to the hope I have in Jesus.  

Erich's Birthday

Time for a little catch up... we celebrated Erich's 40th birthday last weekend.  Hard to believe.  Pam and I put together a little surprise party.  It worked... he had no idea.  He thought we were gathering for an early Father's Day.... um 3 weeks... yep, that is definitely early.

 Not sure what this look is meant to convey... maybe a little "I'm going to pay you back and I'll smile because I love you."  :)

 Popsicles are best when enjoyed with a cousin.

 The kids enjoyed shooting off this foam rocket and the trying to catch it.

Taking a break and checking the time.  

Collin is sure it is time to go to Charlie's house.

Summer Vacation

Summer vacation is here and Collin is thrilled.  He now gets up on his own at:

The past 180 school days required prodding and a whole lot of encouragement just to get him to roll over.  Not anymore... he is up and ready to go before 6:00 AM!

On his first afternoon off he went to the library.  This was the scene when I arrived home from work.

He asks to go to the library at least once a day.

I'm trying hard to adjust to being at home.  It's tough.  I can no longer get "lost" in the day teaching.  It was easy to forget and stay busy with the kindergarten kids.  Nathan wasn't "suppose" to be there, but  he is "suppose" to be with Collin and me during the summers.  I am missing him so very much.  The past 12 summers have been just the boys and me.  This has always been my favorite time of year.  I'm not loving summer right now, but I will do my best to make it a good summer for Collin. 

Respite Retreat

The local newspaper ran an article about the retreat the weekend we were there.

You can read it here.

The retreat gave us some tools to use in this new reality of ours.  Are we "fixed"? No.  Do we feel that we can continue moving forward? Yes.  Forward is hard though.  Please continue to keep us in prayer.

Respite Retreat

This past weekend Erich and I attended a respite retreat for couples who are grieving the death of their child.  The retreat was at The Hiding Place just outside of Nashville, TN.  Dave and Nancy Guthrie were our hosts.  You can read more about their story here.   I'm still processing much of what we discussed and will share a few bits and pieces this week.  Here are a few photos from our stay.

We met a group of amazing people. I really wasn't sure what to expect, but I never expected to care so deeply for a group of people that were unknown to me just last week.  I truly do cherish each and every relationship formed this past weekend.

Memory Book

Nathan's teacher put together this memory book for us.  These are a few of my favorite pages.  To be honest... they may have also been the ones that made me cry the most.  I know that his teacher misses him also.  We are so grateful for teachers that care so much... thank you.

Library Donation

The teachers and staff at Nathan's school donated many items to the local public library in memory of him.  Here are just a few of them.  It makes me happy to think that so many children will be able to enjoy these things.  

 Collin had fun putting the puzzle together.

Our Weekend

We kept ourselves busy here this past weekend.  Here are a few highlights.

We had some family over for a cook out on Friday.  The food was yummy and the company was exceptional.  Thanks for coming!

On Saturday we went up to the farm to celebrate Mom's birthday.   We dug out a flower bed and plan to replace it with shrubs.  Less maintenance ;)

Sunday was a teacher appreciation and retirement picnic.  Our principal is retiring after 40 years of service.  What an example of commitment to leading little ones to the Lord!

 Sunday afternoon hail storm.

The school year is starting to wind down.  Only 8 more days.  This is the first year I can say that I'm not sure I'm ready for vacation.  My kindergarten class keeps my mind and body busy.  All that time at home scares me a bit.  I find some of my hardest times are when it is just Collin and me alone.  We've signed Collin up for a few extra activities this summer in hopes to keep him busy.  We want to try and avoid both of us turning into "bumps on the log"  ;)  I should work on figuring out what to do with the time when he is away.  Any suggestions?

Signs of Spring

The weather seems to slowly be warming up in this area.  The lilac and the tree were both gifts given to us after Nathan's passing.  I'm looking forward to seeing them grow.

 

Did you notice that wood planter??  My dear husband had two made for me for Mother's Day. :)

I'm looking forward to some vegetable gardening.  Thanks sweetie!

Confirmation

We attend our nieces confirmation this past weekend.  Erich and I are both sponsors for Laura.  Her confirmation took place at a small country church.  

As I was editing this photo I realized that Erich and I look very somber.  I didn't find one that we didn't have these exact same expressions on.  I know that one day we will smile easily again... God will see us through this time in our lives.

Quiet Week

Not much happening for us this past week.  

The days march on and we move along...  

the terrain is rocky and full of valleys.

The Garden

 My sister and I decided to plant a garden together this year.  Her husband tilled up this garden by an old farm house that her in-laws own.  No one has lived there for a while and it had become overgrown.  We planted the seeds on Saturday with the help of Ava, Charlie and Pa.  

On their way home from Mother's Day lunch they decided to stop by Fleet Farm and pick up some fertilizer.... or was it Weed and Feed.... What's the difference....right?  Big difference Vic!  Needless to say we will be replanting.  ;)

  Vicki was pardoned from that huge error by making homemade Coffee Cake.  Just like grandma used to make.  Good job... it was delicious!

Collin had a fun time once again with his cousins.  

Pa and Grandma need a new rope on the dinner bell.  Collin broke it off!!!

Sorry!