Hangin' In There

Not much to say lately.... just seem to be hangin' in there.  Hard to believe it has been 9 months.  Tough days with lots of tears lately.  Not much Christmas decorating around our house yet, but hope to get a tree this week.      

6 months

Today is 6 months.  How that happened I have no idea.  Today was a day filled with missing Nathan. I've never been a number person whether it be math or dates on the calendar.  The calendar thing seems to be changing.  I'm very aware of time.  Time that has passed and the time yet ahead of me.  Wishing I could rewind or fast forward.  I would pick fast forward if I had a choice.

Sometimes Collin will do something exactly like Nathan did... a gesture, a laugh, a head tilt.  When that happens the feelings come rushing in like a tidal wave.  Those moments take my breath away.  At first they brought me comfort, but lately it is a bold reminder of what I don't have.  

Buying new school supplies for just one child was tough.  Who knew that if I put it off to the night before school started the shelves would be picked over?  It was 7:00 Wednesday night before I finally decided avoiding it wasn't going to make it go away. Erich helped out by doing all the paperwork while I was gone.  That was a job I was dreading more than the school shopping.

There are a lot of changes at St. Paul, which is exactly what I needed.  New children to teach, new principal to meet, and new technology to learn. They have kept me very busy.  Looking forward to the new adventure I will go on with this group of kids.  

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them.  Romans 8:28

5 months

 I miss my sweet boy.  

The house has been quiet this summer. 

 No tractors running across the wood floors or blocks being dumped out.  

 I miss my sweet boy.  

Club Car Riding

We had a fun time riding up in the woods with Pa and Grandma one afternoon.

 Here Collin is hanging out waiting for everyone to load up so we can head out.  At this point he is already asking for his new favorite thing... soda! 

 Collin and Grandma.

 Here come Erich and Pa.

Finally.... he gets his soda.

Rough Time

The Fourth of July and week following was tough.  As I look back now I can see that, but when I was in the middle of it it felt like a never ending pit.  A lot of little things rolled together to make one big pile of yuck.  

• The 4th marked Nathan's fourth month in heaven... makes me cry yet today to realize I have been without him for so long.  
• The mail a parent never wants to receive finally came... a child's death certificate. 
• We went to pick out a monument for Nathan.  

That was a lot of yuck over 10 days that made me feel like I just couldn't do this anymore.  I can look back now and see how God was with us, but in the midst of it I sure did struggle.  I could force myself to focus and do the daily things that needed to be done, but the crash always came.  Please continue to hold us in prayer.

Joni Camp 2011

Hanging out together... ready for a week of Joni Camp.  This ministry has meant so much to our family.   

 Collin wasn't too sure about riding this horse at first... it has been a long time since he has been in the saddle:)  He seemed to enjoy it!

 Tubing... we had a blast!

 They had wagon wagon rides for the families one evening.

 Maranatha is on Lake Michigan, but they also have a pool down by the beach for those of use who prefer a bit warmer water:)

Collin showing off his Sesame Street book with Peggy, his STM.  (short term missionary)  She hung out with Collin during the morning programming.  The kids participated in a VBS type program while the parents were at worship and small groups.


Overall it was a great week.  We did miss Nathan and thought of him often.  It was tough to go through this first without him.  It can be so hard to do things, but we want to continue to provide Collin with good experiences despite the intense pain it may cause us.

Joni Camp

This picture is from last year.  I remember how awkward I felt... something was "off".  It was the first time one of the boys was not in a picture.  If both parents were in...both boys were in.  But this time Collin was with his STM and we were with Nathan.  His STM suggested the picture... I remember feeling like I should go get Collin quickly so he could be in it too.

This is our firetruck photo from last week.... it felt "off" too.  

Joni Camp was a real blessing to our family last week.  I will share more photos soon.